Why it’s so Hard for Parents to Get Through to Teenagers, and How to Change That

Many parents dread the moment their children reach adolescence. After all, everyone knows that youngsters at this time are particularly rebellious, refuse to listen to, or follow their parents’ rules, and are capable of taking unnecessary risks. But sometimes the reason for this behavior lies not in the raging hormones, nor in the fact that young people couldn’t care less about Mom and Dad.

Here at CHEERY, we’ve decided to figure out, once and for all, why teenagers refuse to listen to their parents, and how this can be avoided.

Sometimes, teenagers seem to simply not hear what they’re being told

Researchers at Stanford University have found that behind the teens’ apparent “deafness” lies an array of age-related changes that occur in the brains of children. The researchers used MRI scans across two age groups: 7 to 12-year-olds and 13 to 16-year-olds.

It turns out that the mother’s voice, which the child can already recognize while they’re still in the womb, affects several brain regions in the younger participants, activating the parts responsible for feeling rewarded, as well as emotion, and image processing.

In teenagers, these responses only increased, but instead of being triggered by their mother’s voice, they were now reacting to the voices of strangers. Researchers hypothesized that children’s brains change with age to help them make connections outside of the family circle. This makes it easier for growing adults to distance themselves from their parents and ’tune in’ to receive information from other members of society.

It’s essential for teenagers to find their own way

When a sweet and affectionate child suddenly turns into a pouting, disgruntled stranger who seems to want nothing to do with you, any parent can start to worry. But this is a perfectly normal process that all children go through.

Before entering adulthood and becoming truly independent, a child needs to find themselves. To do this, they have to “shut themselves off” from their parents, who, up until then, have played the most important role in their life. If every new generation didn’t question the established norms, trying to find its way, humanity might never have evolved past the Stone Age.

They may lose respect for their elders

At times, young people don’t listen to adults’ advice, simply because they start to regard authority more critically. Children at this age are better acquainted with their parents, since the latter rarely change, usually sticking to the same ideas and principles as before. However, teenagers experiment with different points of view, constantly giving up previous hobbies to make way for new interests, so the parents may start to feel like they’re living with a stranger.

Another contributing factor is that, at this age, the child is starting to explore the world around them independently. Meanwhile, modern-day technology gives people access to a huge amount of diverse information. If the young person finds that the opinions they have come to independently clash with those of their parents, they may begin to lose respect for their elders and start questioning their every word.

It’s not as much what you say, as how you say it

It turns out that for teenagers it’s more important how their elders speak than what they’re saying. Young people are more likely to ignore their parents’ requests if they are spoken in a commanding tone. A Cardiff University study found that if a parent expresses their request using an encouraging and respectful tone, the child is ready to engage, more willing to follow instructions, and generally feels happier.

However, the same request made in an irritated or domineering tone will only serve to discourage children at this age, causing them to shut down and start ignoring adults.

They try to impress their peers

To adults, teenagers often seem to be highly irrational creatures, constantly taking risks and getting into trouble. And though parents might give long and serious lectures about the many dangers of life, young people carry on doing reckless things. This doesn’t mean though, that teens don’t listen to their elders or that they’re unable to weigh up the possible consequences, or that they have no self-control.

It’s just that the areas of the brain which are responsible for motivation and the sense of reward develop earlier than the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for self-control. And when emotions begin to compete with common sense, the former usually wins.

This is why young people are perfectly capable of making intelligent decisions when they are alone or in the presence of adults. In the company of their peers, however, they are likely to take risks and break the rules. By doing so, they are trying to gain respect and approval from their equals.

They were possibly never taught active listening

In the modern-day world, people rarely truly listen to each other. Instead of trying to understand the other person, we often try to express our own opinions as quickly and persuasively as possible.

If adults behave this way, it’s not surprising that children copy this behavior and end up ignoring important information and valuable advice. It is, therefore, necessary to not only lead by example but to also teach children the correct principles of communication.

Young people don’t always recognize intonation

Between the ages of 13 and 15, children face certain difficulties in communicating, not only with their parents, but also with their friends. Researchers at McGill University have found that teenagers have trouble distinguish emotions expressed by their peers.

While they can easily identify anger, joy and hurt displayed by their parents, teens do not recognize the same emotions in the voices of their friends and acquaintances. Perhaps, that’s because they themselves have little control over their own voices and intonations.

It’s worth putting off serious conversations until after dinner

If the parents feel like their beloved youngster isn’t listening to them at all, they might default to blaming themselves, but it’s worth taking into account all the psychological and physiological changes that are happening to the child at this age.

If you want to have a serious conversation with your teen, the first thing you should do is make sure they’re fed. Very often, children’s irritability, anger, and unwillingness to listen are related to hunger and low blood sugar. A hearty lunch or a delicious dinner may well set them up for peaceful negotiations.

It’s best to have serious talks while you’re out

Boys in their teens think, and process information, better when they are moving. So, sitting your son down on the couch for a serious conversation is like setting yourself up for disaster. At best, he will simply ignore everything you say, and at worst, you will get an earful of nastiness coming your way.

It’s best to first suggest going for a walk, or offer to throw a ball around. Once you’re doing something active, have a heart-to-heart, and try to convey all the relevant information or ask the necessary questions.

It’s important for the child to know that their parents are truly listening to them

Children at this age are much more willing to connect and share their thoughts and feelings if they see that the adult is listening attentively. So, during a conversation, it is important to give them your undivided attention.

This can be done by maintaining eye contact, using facial expressions and gestures, as well as asking questions. Such attention not only encourages children to keep secrets less often in the future but also strengthens the family bonds between different generations.

You shouldn’t demand their respect

Some parents can confuse two different notions: if a teenager does not agree with their point of view, they instantly assume that their child is not listening to them. But, at this age, kids are developing their worldview, and often stop agreeing with mom and dad’s opinion. This can be difficult to come to terms with, but the adult has to accept their child’s right to their point of view.

You should never demand respect from children. After all, it is a feeling, and you cannot force another person to feel respect against their will. However, you can work out a certain set of rules, and teach your children that they must behave properly, no matter how angry they are. Here it’s worth focusing on behavior, and not on emotions.

In difficult cases it’s worth consulting a specialist

Sometimes parents find it difficult to communicate with their children. In some cases, the reason lies in old childhood grudges and painful memories that adults won’t even recall, while children are often not aware of what is making them angry. Long conversations, food, and walks in the park are unlikely to help here.

If the parents feel that their teen is becoming too distant and closed off, and they’re unable to find the true cause behind this behavior, it is worth consulting a specialist. A psychologist can help identify the root of the problem and mend family relationships before the situation becomes critical.

Do you have any tricks that you use to get kids to listen and behave?