Why We Choose Wrong Partners Sometimes, and How to Change This

Each of us has been through a bad romance. Sometimes the reason of a breakup can be certain character traits of one of the partners which lead to an abusive relationship. But if a person repeatedly gets involved in a similar relationship, it’s something to think about. Because we have to figure out the reasons why we tend to choose people who bring us so many problems.

At CHEERY, we decided to find out what makes us to choose the wrong partner.

Our feelings are often shaped by our childhood memories.

Some relationship patterns get determined in our early childhood. Our parents or other people, who play an important role in our bringing-up, shape our ideas of love. And in adulthood, we tend to recreate these patterns when choosing a partner. It’s more comfortable for us to be not in a pleasant relationship but in a familiar one. This is why, a person sometimes falls in love not with the one who shows care and tenderness but with the one who helps to recreate the atmosphere familiar from childhood.

If our parents used to raise their voice at us, we can grow up to be a modest and quiet person. This is why if we quarrel with our partner, we can feel guilty but at the same time indignant and hurt. This endless cycle of resentment is quite difficult to stop.

Some of us had to take care of our siblings or deal with a sensitive parent prone to emotional struggle, in childhood. This can result in us feeling responsible for the feelings of those around us. And we may be attracted to partners who show weakness and uncertainty in some aspects of life. At first, we are happy to take care of our significant other, but later their fragility begins to annoy us.

If our parents didn’t pay much attention to us or were constantly absent in our life, then in the future we are likely to try to draw as much attention as possible. This can manifest itself in our destructive behavior, or, on the contrary, in our overwhelming desire to participate in every moment of our partner’s life.

We are attracted to other person’s appearance.

Narcissists often try to look their best, paying great attention to their style and behavior. The flawless and bright appearance not only helps them stand out from the crowd but also feel unique. This is why such manipulators often seem attractive.

Our choice of a partner is often defined by evolution.

A study conducted by the University of Durham found that women find “bad boys” more attractive than nice gentlemen who abide to the rules. The men, who are more popular among women, tend to be more manipulative, show a willingness to lie, and break the rules and relationships without mercy.

Even knowing about all these downsides, women still give preference to these men. Scientists suggest that evolution is to blame here because manipulators and narcissists’ behavior makes them look more attractive as potential partners. Besides, they know how to present themselves thus looking superior to “good” guys. As a result, women fall for this arrogance.

At the same time, narcissists are often attracted to strong personalities. However, the self-confidence of narcissists is just a protective wall blocking their insecurity.

Narcissists are very afraid to demonstrate and even admit their own weaknesses. A relationship with a strong partner helps them feel more secure. Besides, winning the heart of an independent and self-confident person helps them raise their own self-esteem.

Sometimes people get fascinated by those individuals who are not interested in having a relationship. Perhaps we feel challenged when we can’t get what we want. And our attraction increased.

Cultural stereotypes also play an important role.

Our choice of the other half is also influenced by popular books and movies. In them, women are often depicted as fragile and delicate creatures, and men as strong personalities who are always ready to help. If a gentleman is ready to surround his beloved with love and care, seeks to shelter her from all adversity and save her from any worries, this behavior is sometimes called “benevolent sexism.”

This patronizing attitude is not quite harmless because a woman here is perceived as a weaker creature that should be protected and controlled. And this can affect a woman’s self-esteem. But this is not all.

The woman begins to slowly lose her ability to think critically and doesn’t feel competent in various situations. But despite this, even completely independent women look at male patrons with a great deal of sympathy and consider them more attractive than guys who accept women as equals.

Perhaps many women like benevolently sexist men because they interpret the men’s paternalistic attitude as indication of their willingness to commit and invest in a potential relationship. This means these men not only take on financial obligations but are also ready to offer protection to their partner and future children. They also don’t waste their energy and effort on other women.

Our self-esteem can prevent us from understanding the other person’s feelings.

If a person has a low self-esteem, they can find themselves in a relationship with a narcissist. The problem is that people with a low self-esteem are easy to control. A narcissist can, for example, take advantage of the fact that you’ve just gone through a difficult breakup, and will demonstrate in every possible way that you don’t deserve anything better.

Sometimes people are drawn to weak and wounded personalities because this kind of a relationship help them feel needed. They think that their only value is in helping other people. So, they take on the role of a rescuer.

By surrounding their significant other with love, this person sometimes forgets about themselves and their own needs. But this type of behavior can hardly lead to good results. Eventually the rescuer will be blamed for all the troubles and suffering by their partner.

How to break this vicious cycle

It’s almost impossible to voluntarily change your patterns in choosing a partner. Moreover, ideal people don’t exist, and each of us has our own strengths and weaknesses. Instead of breaking up with your loved one, you can change your reaction to your partner’s behavior.

If your partner’s angry reproaches make you feel guilty, remember that we are not responsible for the thoughts and actions of other people. And when your loved one experiences problems, it’s not necessary to immediately rush to help them. Sometimes supporting them is just enough.

You should also learn to set your boundaries. If your partner is trying to manipulate you and is showing a tendency to narcissism, it may be worth contacting a therapist.

This type of behavior can be corrected, but first your partner should accept their shortcomings and give their consent to therapy. When dealing with a narcissist, you should clearly express your position and explain your requirements. But if your significant other refuses to change, and your life together becomes a torture, perhaps it’s time to leave.

Have you ever been in a difficult relationship? Share your experience in the comments below.