49 Wholesome, Hilarious, and Unpredictable Life Advice for a Diversity of Situations

Life is full of ups and downs that can leave us feeling confused or overwhelmed. It’s okay to seek advice when facing challenges, but keep in mind that giving advice is both an art and a science. The best advice may not always feel right to you, so trust your instincts. Also, don’t take advice from anyone who thinks they are an expert just because. Humorous advice can also be valuable and lighten up tough situations. We’ve compiled a list of funny life tips. Let us know in the comments which ones resonate with you or if you have any to add.

1.

If you hear weird noises in the night, simply make weirder noises to assert dominance.

2.

If you don’t know where your kids are in the house, turn off the internet and watch them magically appear.

3.

If you teach a man to fish, you feed him for one day. If you feed him to the fishes then he’ll never be hungry again.

4.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

5.

If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a water gun and shoot other people in the eyes.

6.

Eat whatever you want, and if someone calls you fat, eat them too.

7.

If you are not happy where you are, move. You are not a tree.

8.

Ladies, if a man says he’ll fix something, he will. There’s no point in telling him about it every six months.

9.

If you swim with a friend, your chances of getting eaten by a shark will drop by 50%.

10.

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You only need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

11.

Don’t give up your dreams, keep on sleeping.

12.

Don’t let go of your wife’s hand at the mall, because she will start shopping. It might look romantic, but it’s actually economic.

13.

If you ever get caught sleeping on the job, slowly raise the head and say in Jesus name, Amen.

14.

Eggs are good for your health. But sometimes we get fed up with them. Add some butter, chocolate, sugar, flour, and then bake. Now it’s not so boring to eat them every day.

15.

When you fart in public, yell «Jet power!» and walk faster.

16.

If you wait until the last minute to do it, it only takes a minute to do.

17.

Don’t make snow angels in a dog park.

18.

Do not think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a majestic baboon.

19.

For $1, you can buy a candy bar from a vending machine. For $2, you can buy a brick, and get all the candy in the vending machine.

20.

The best defense against somebody videotaping you is to blast a song by an artist that is serious about copyright infringement.

21.

My father once told me, «Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.»

22.

Pro parenting tip: only have spaghetti on bath nights.

23.

The first time your toddler sneezes in your face, even if it is super funny when it happens, do not laugh. You will be sentencing yourself to years of purposeful in-your-face sneezes.

24.

If your dog blinks at you blink back. It could be a code.

25.

Don’t be ashamed of yourself — that’s a job for your parents.

26.

Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, ‘would an idiot do that?’ if they would, I do not do that thing.

27.

When you want to annoy someone at work, use air quotes when addressing their work title.

28.

Oil floats on water, so cover yourself in oil, wait for it to rain, and fly.

29.

Listen to really bad music when going through something terrible in your life. If you listen to music you love, it will become a constant reminder of bad times.

30.

If you’re in 12th grade, do not join senior dating sites.

31.

Don’t lick the bowl, flush it like a normal person.

32.

Never walk on the ice with your hands in your pockets.

33.

Don’t be sad, because sad backward is das and das not good.

34.

Writing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Any. Stronger.

35.

Never use your favorite song as an alarm. You’ll start to hate it.

36.

If you break your bone in two places, don’t go to those places again.

37.

In case of fire, exit the building before tweeting about it.

38.

Be a Caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep a lot. Wake up beautiful.

39.

Marry someone who has a different favorite cereal than you so they won’t eat all of yours.

40.

If you can’t blind them with brilliance, baffle them with nonsense.

41.

Drinking can cause memory loss, or even worse, memory loss.

42.

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it, then how bad of a decision can it really be?

43.

No matter how nice the hand soap smells, don’t leave the restroom smelling your fingers.

44.

If your kids suddenly start getting along and are nice to each other for no reason, be very suspicious.

45.

If you attempt to rob a bank, you will have no trouble with rent or bills for the next ten years, whether you are successful or not.

46.

Don’t yell at your kids, lean in close and whisper, it’s much scarier.

47.

If you find a toilet in your dream, don’t use it.

48.

Trust dogs. They always know who to stay away from.

49.

Carry a fork with you. If someone tries to rob you, pull it out of your pocket and say, ‘thank you Lord for this meal I’m about to have’ and charge at them with the fork.